The #1 Key to a long-lasting relationship

Wondering what is the #1 key to a long-lasting relationship?

Every time relationship is brought up, our minds often drift toward love. 

In this post, I wouldn’t want to talk about love in a holistic way where we say it is all-encompassing.

This particular understanding of love almost sounds like an ideal perfect definition that we do not even give thought to in real life once falling in love.

So, I would like to look at love in a practical real-time way. How virtually everyone sees and approaches it in real life.

In real-time & practically, we often think of love in the form of feeling that we would refer to as love-the-feeling. We seldom think of love in the form of action which we will call love-the-action.

The reason why we probably focus more on love-the-feeling is due to the fact that our lives are usually drawn more by our emotional brain contrary to the rational brain through which we have sound reasoning on how to plan our lives.

Well, in as much as love is required to spice up a relationship, whether it is love-the-feeling which is inside our heads, or love-the-action,  it doesn’t necessarily keep relationships lasting for so long.

I believe that life is a complex system to exist in. It is complex enough for one person to manage on their own talk more when the person is joined by someone else with a totally different mindset and attitude.

Let’s look at an imaginary scenario that can happen in real-time and try to link it up with a relationship and how it connects to the number #1 key to a long-lasting relationship.

Case Study: Relationship & Love-the-feeling

Imagine a guy struggling every day to put himself in check in different ways. Working hard to fix his flaws and character while also trying to make ends means.

At work, he has this boss who feels he is the king of the world, and who doesn’t give a damn about his life problems – of course, that’s not his boss’s job.

But then the boss is the kind that looks for opportunities to complain and shout at him.

This same guy has friends on the other hand who disappoint and betray him at every opportunity they get for reasons known to them. 

Friends who care only about themselves. Who does not care whether things are alright with him or not?

On the other hand, he possibly has his parents and younger siblings who he also has to take care of.

Then suddenly he falls in love with a gorgeous lady. Like a dream-come-true kind of beauty.

Let’s remember that this guy has a lot of life challenges and things going on for him, and we can all agree that, if not for anything else, all he would ever want with this beautiful partner of his is to have a peaceful relationship.

He may feel the light has come to at least relieve him of a little amount of emotional stress because the thought of her makes his world go round.

So whenever he remembers her, it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He smiles at life, as he feels peace and he can see another life, a future with this person.

At this point, his emotional mind is totally in control. Though he thinks it’s his rational mind thinking at this point.

Now Let’s assume this beauty he just met is one without brains.

As time passes by as he is together with her, he begins to notice some attitudes which he never knew about and which he isn’t comfortable with.

At this point, his emotional mind somehow for a moment takes the back seat to allow his rational mind to think things through.

Both then he has already fallen in love with this beauty.

Given who he is as a person, he is forced to call on his rational mind to help him make sense of his situation.

But then the rational and emotional minds at some point will have to work together to find a middle ground. They will begin to dialogue with each other.

They will start weighing the extent of the love, the reason they love the other person, and all that.

The question of “will I be able to live with this person” will begin to pop up.

Yes, the love-the-feeling is there…but then he is confused because the emotional mind has given little space for the rational mind to come in and participate in the discussion.

The rational and the emotional minds begin to compare and contrast.

The mind begins to play the tape of whether he will be able to deal with all the stress at work, with life, and then with a new partner whom he loves so much but doesn’t appear to fit into the type of person whom he can live with forever.

With time he begins to realize that he won’t be able to manage his life if he continues with the relationship in the name of love as he may possibly be losing even more – his peace of mind.

It’s almost an unquestionable fact that everyone wants peace of mind while living in this complex world. That is to say that no one wants a situation where they have to deal with a partner repeatedly over trivial issues of life that common-sense reasoning should have taken care of.

Now, this is a mere case study. It can go both ways. The guy might be the issue and the lady might be the issue, they both may be the issue as one person might be good for the other, while the other may not be good for the other.

Of course, love-the-feeling can really be strong enough to blind the emotional mind and hijack the rational mind.

Imagine that you have a Partner who falls within one or more of the following:-

• A partner who does not understand the most common-sense things in life.
• A partner who sees every discussion as an argument. 
• A partner who always feels in their mind that they are smarter than you when you are being plain and coming out straight to narrate how an event happened. He or she accuses you of lying, being pretentious, and corny without evidence or proper investigation.
• A partner who is one-directional in thinking and wouldn’t shift a foot to try to accommodate a situation that can be solved amicably by both of you without further stressing the issue.
• A partner who doesn’t understand the essence of helping others and would always fight any such idea.
• A partner who doesn’t know how to do the tiniest of basic things.
• A partner that isn’t teachable and would always feel belittled and insulted when you try to correct little mistakes you feel isn’t right, instead of taking correction, they turn it into a quarrel.
• A partner whom you have to tell virtually everything before they can comprehend maturely most times.
• A partner who would always feel you don’t love them once you are not supportive of their actions towards others.

As you try your best to push to reach a middle ground with them in other to help them understand life which will allow you to enjoy their companionship, you find out that nothing is working out except for the love you feel for them – of course, love-the-feeling.

At this point, you are forced to retreat and rethink your life as a whole which includes your relationship.

And then you begin to realize that a key is missing in your relationship life.

And then you come to the conclusion that what you need is someone who can understand not just you but also understand the type of life you want to have.

Someone who can peep from the perspective through which you live. 

A friend whom you can talk to and rapport with without fighting unnecessarily.

You begin to realize that while you may be the right person for your partner, your partner isn’t right for you.

Then you seat back and rethink… I need a friend as a companion… Someone who can understand me and I can understand.

This one reason is why a lot of people get into a relationship and end up breaking out of it in a short time.

Sometimes, some people who are in love and others who do not know how to get out of the relationship end up getting married to a person they know isn’t right for them.

And they live together, just for them to keep having the same set of problems they had when they were not married until one of them reaches their breaking point.

All of a sudden, a relationship is gone. A divorce has happened. Separations or break has occurred. Counseling and therapeutic visitation have begun.

Of course, there is no single key to a long-lasting relationship as relationships differ from one couple to another and what works for one might not necessarily work for the other.

There are other factors that are key to a long-lasting relationship. These factors are there to give the relationship a chance to last. We will be focusing on the number one factor we believe is required for a relationship to last.

The key we all should look out for when getting into any relationship we wish to last long is Understanding. Understanding is a pre-requisite for any long-lasting relationship, which is why we say its the number #1 key to a long-lasting relationship.

Understanding comes out as a regular word to a lot of us, but if we think about it a little more, we could understand its role in conflict resolution and in life generally.

Concept of Understanding

Because we are discussing a real-time challenge that has to do with the emotional and mental mind, we wouldn’t be looking at the word ‘understanding’ the conventional way.

We are going to define it in such a way that it suits human-to-human interaction, friendship, and relationship. 

We are going to look at the psychological side of it in relation to human ideology.

APA Dictionary of Psychology defines the word Understanding as “the process of gaining insight about oneself or others or of comprehending the meaning or significance of something, such as a word, concept, argument, or event”.

When it comes to relationships, the word understanding goes beyond the conventional definition where one has knowledge about a concept. 

In our context, understanding speaks about “an Ability” to understand concepts, situations, life, and people in real-time.

Concept of ‘Understanding’ In Relationship – Why it aids relationships to last. 

Let’s break down how vital ‘understanding’ is in a relationship. We believe that it should come first because it brews the rest factors that can come along.

From the definition we have of understanding, being a process of gaining insight.

We want to summarize gaining insight in three forms as we are dealing with humans.

1. Insight about oneself (Self Understanding)

We like to believe that understanding and love work hand in hand. It’s sort of difficult to love what you do not understand. 

It becomes easy for someone to love what they understand or who they understand.

While there are different kinds of love, we would just focus on the agape and platonic kind of love in this case.

Self-understanding simply means getting insight into one’s own thoughts, motivations, weaknesses, strengths, feelings, and attitudes.

Having an insight about yourself simply means understanding yourself. To simplify ‘understanding self’ we will like to ask a simple question… 

How do you feel when you achieve a task or goal that you have been working so hard to complete or achieve? I believe that you will feel happy not just for accomplishing the task but also you will feel a sort of happiness and fulfillment for yourself.

Self-understanding brews self-love. It is that simple, that is to say, that Self-love comes from self-understanding. We can not love what we do not in pure heart understand. 

True self-love only begins to exist once one is able to understand who they are, why they act the way they do, what they dislike and like, and even up to the reason why they smile a lot.

Once one is able to understand and accept who they are, then one begins to feel love for oneself.

You might be wondering why self-understanding and how it relates to relationships.

The answer is that without ‘self-understanding’ there would be nothing like self-love and if one is not able to love oneself then it becomes difficult to understand and love others. 

As the saying goes, you can’t give what you do not have. This is why self-understanding is very crucial in a relationship between two people.

If two people who first understand their selves come together, it makes extending that understanding to the other person so easy.

Come to think of it, if you learn to understand yourself, the chances of you falling in love with yourself go from 0 to 50. Your admiration for yourself will skyrocket and grow exponentially. This is the basis of every true love for self and others and it contributes to why understanding is key to a long-lasting relationship

2. Insight about others (Understanding of Others)

Having the ability and wisdom to understand others is the other part of having a chance at a long-lasting relationship. Understanding others is one’s ability to be able to comprehend other people’s motivations, emotions, perspectives, etc.

If one is able to understand ‘self’, then understanding others become simple in a way. The reason is that he or she is now capable of understanding theirself, therefore, they can be open to understanding others. 

If one is able to take their time to understand their partner, for instance, the kind of person their partner is, why they react the way they do, etc then they open up that window to be able to learn either how to cope with their partner or how to manage situations that may arise with their patner. 

In a case where both partners are the understanding type, such that they can seat down and have a conversation from an understanding point of view, then things become even easier in the relationship.

These kinds of discussions are reasonable because one is able to understand the other person to an extent while keeping an open mind.

As we mentioned, the more we learn and understand others, the more we are likely to like them or even love them.

This is the point where understanding first plays a major role. At this point, the emotions aren’t the ones in the driver’s seat. It is the rational mind leading the way. 

If peradventure, these two persons started out as friends and have taken their time to study and understand each other, then it becomes so much easier for them to cope together once they get into a proper relationship.

It is more of having an open mindset towards self and transferring that mindset towards understanding others, in this case, a partner. Having insight about others also contributes why understanding is key to a long-lasting relationship

3. Insight about life (Understanding basic life concepts)

Looking at life in general from a neutral viewpoint, we would say that life is simple and complex at the same time. This is the reason we sometimes say life imperfection is what makes life perfect.

There is no single way to look at life to come to a definite conclusion about it because it has so many intricate parts that each day humans keep learning more.

This is a simple concept of life. It simply has many multiple facets of situations, concepts, and events with different underlying meanings and significance.

The first step is having an understanding of this very concept of life.

When we talk about having an understanding of life or gaining insight into life, this is simply what we are referring to. 

One’s ability to understand that life is fair and unfair, has its ups and downs, has south and north pole, has negative and positive, is complex and simple, easy and tough, has sadness and happiness, etc.

Having a grasp of this simple life concept goes a long way to help two persons have a better understanding of their relationship as they will be facing life challenges from time to time.

This understanding about life goes as far as allowing one to have a true understanding of life which goes beyond the surface understanding of life issues but also being able to delve deeper into subject matters once they arise.

Being about to see things differently from multiple perspectives while keeping an open mind is the gain of insight into life.

But then it isn’t enough to just understand and, it is important to be able to apply the insights in a practical way in order to manage or solve problems and make decisions.

Not to get things twisted, going too deep into understanding life might not be required, but a simple understanding of life concepts and applying common-sense reasoning in most cases will go a long way to aid keep a relationship lasting.

A partner who understands that life does not always go the way it is planned will make efforts to understand the partner’s situation most of the time without dismissing it or not giving it any consideration. 

A Partner will come in to try to help resolve issues because they know that sometimes some things can get out of hand.

A partner who understands that there is a reason for almost everything and is willing to sit and listen before making a decision will not try to dismiss issues that their partner raises. This contributes to the whole point of understanding being a key to a long-lasting relationship

Bottomline on #1 key to a lasting relationship

When we say the #1 key to a long-lasting relationship, it does not mean that only understanding is enough. There are other factors that aid relationships last long.

But when it comes to what factor should come first to keep a relationship together, then understanding comes first. It opens a large room for the rest factors to co-exist.

Having said that, while looking forward to a long lasting relationship, look out for a partner who does not only understand themselves and others but also understands life.

With understanding, love has a very high chance of coming in and a relationship has a higher chance of lasting for as long as you want.

We usually hear that love fades… That is when we are referring to love-the-feeling. 

Yes, the truth is that love-the-feeling can fade. Still,  understanding and kindness can enlighten a heart and rekindle a lost love which can bring ‘love’ back in another unexplainable dimension.

If you are just starting out in your relationship, we would say that you should first look for someone with self-understanding and also be that person too. 

If you desire a long-lasting relationship, then this should serve as your starting point.

Make efforts to understand yourself, others, and life in its simplest form.

With this, you will be able to navigate properly as you drive though the relationship path.

It will also help you have a chance at choosing the right partner instead of focusing your energy on feelings and emotions alone.

Lastly, try your best not to focus on love first. Look out first for ‘understanding’ in these three areas discussed as it creates room and conditions for a long-lasting relationship.

Understanding can nurture true love. In our opinion, it is more important than love which is why we said it’s the #1 key to a long-lasting relationship.

In the words of Dr. Marjorie Schuman, “Understanding is a basic element of intimate connection.   To the extent that we feel accurately and empathically understood, we can trust and feel close to another.”

Reference

[1.] ^ APA Dictionary of Psychology: https://dictionary.apa.org/understanding

[2]  ^ On The Importance of Understanding and Being Understood : https://www.drmarjorieschuman.com/on-the-importance-of-understanding-and-being-understood/